Those People
Linda and I have become... those people.
Last week we attended an "Infant CPR" class at GBMC. The goal of this class was to learn how to save your infants life in a variety of horrible situations. It is serious stuff, and we take it seriously. This is a skill we very much wanted to learn.
It is not our fault if the material was presented in such a ridiculous way that it unleashed our inner, sinister senses of humor. I mean... one of the videos showed a mother putting her baby in a walking toy on wheels, on the edge of a pool, and then going to the bathroom.
I'm already afraid that if I leave Linda on the edge of a pool unattended she will drown. I could only imagine how I would feel about Lentilina. What concoction of drugs cause someone to do this? On relating this to my mother she said, simply, she'd rather pee herself than do that. I believe her.
Equally humorous, but recognizedly important, was the CPR infant we received...
Our Infant CPR Manikin
It is a rubber and plastic doll with a plastic bag over its nose and mouth that extends down the throat into the stomach to simulate lungs. How do I know this? While the video was being shown, I took my baby apart to see how it works... you unpop some buttons, undo a zipper, and then you can see how the baby is constructed (actually, that sequence of events was exactly how our baby was constructed, but that is a different story). Under frowns from the teacher/nurse, I reassembled my baby. No harm.. no foul.
After the video of the mother who tied weights to her baby and threw him into the pool on her way to the grocery store we paused and were asked to demonstrate, one at a time, our CPR skills.
What is the proper order of infant CPR?
Step 1: Try and rouse the baby. You do this by hitting the baby, or hiring a British au pair.
Step 2: Listen for breathing if the baby cannot be woken.
Step 3: Scream aloud for someone to call 911.
Steps 4-7: Do CPR.
So, the nurse came up to me and asked me to demonstrate this technique:
Nurse: Ok, now, what is the first thing that you do?
Ed:I scream for someone to call the police.
Nurse: No, first you try and rouse the baby. Then if there is a problem, you dial 911 not the police.
Ed: Have you seen my baby? Someone shoved a plastic bag down her throat. The first thing I am doing is calling the police to try and find the jerk who shoved a plastic bag down my baby's throat. Oh God.. there's a plastic bag dowen my baby's throat! Can we just pull it out? Who would do this to my baby?
pause pause pause.... crickets.....
Ed: The first thing I do is try to rouse the baby. Then I listen for breath. There is none, so I ask Linda to call 911 and start to perform CPR.
After I demonstrated my CPR technique, the baby was handed to Linda, who had to reiterate it:
Nurse: Ok, now, what is the first thing that you do?
Linda:I try to rouse the baby. The baby is not responding.
Nurse: Good. Now what?
Linda:I call for someone to dial 911.
Nurse: Go ahead...
Linda: Ed! Call 911!
Ed: Why?
Linda Our baby isn't breathing!
Ed: What? That's the second time in 2 minutes. What the hell is wrong with our baby?
Oh yeah.. we are those people
-Ed
Last week we attended an "Infant CPR" class at GBMC. The goal of this class was to learn how to save your infants life in a variety of horrible situations. It is serious stuff, and we take it seriously. This is a skill we very much wanted to learn.
It is not our fault if the material was presented in such a ridiculous way that it unleashed our inner, sinister senses of humor. I mean... one of the videos showed a mother putting her baby in a walking toy on wheels, on the edge of a pool, and then going to the bathroom.
I'm already afraid that if I leave Linda on the edge of a pool unattended she will drown. I could only imagine how I would feel about Lentilina. What concoction of drugs cause someone to do this? On relating this to my mother she said, simply, she'd rather pee herself than do that. I believe her.
Equally humorous, but recognizedly important, was the CPR infant we received...
Our Infant CPR Manikin
It is a rubber and plastic doll with a plastic bag over its nose and mouth that extends down the throat into the stomach to simulate lungs. How do I know this? While the video was being shown, I took my baby apart to see how it works... you unpop some buttons, undo a zipper, and then you can see how the baby is constructed (actually, that sequence of events was exactly how our baby was constructed, but that is a different story). Under frowns from the teacher/nurse, I reassembled my baby. No harm.. no foul.
After the video of the mother who tied weights to her baby and threw him into the pool on her way to the grocery store we paused and were asked to demonstrate, one at a time, our CPR skills.
What is the proper order of infant CPR?
Step 1: Try and rouse the baby. You do this by hitting the baby, or hiring a British au pair.
Step 2: Listen for breathing if the baby cannot be woken.
Step 3: Scream aloud for someone to call 911.
Steps 4-7: Do CPR.
So, the nurse came up to me and asked me to demonstrate this technique:
Nurse: Ok, now, what is the first thing that you do?
Ed:I scream for someone to call the police.
Nurse: No, first you try and rouse the baby. Then if there is a problem, you dial 911 not the police.
Ed: Have you seen my baby? Someone shoved a plastic bag down her throat. The first thing I am doing is calling the police to try and find the jerk who shoved a plastic bag down my baby's throat. Oh God.. there's a plastic bag dowen my baby's throat! Can we just pull it out? Who would do this to my baby?
pause pause pause.... crickets.....
Ed: The first thing I do is try to rouse the baby. Then I listen for breath. There is none, so I ask Linda to call 911 and start to perform CPR.
After I demonstrated my CPR technique, the baby was handed to Linda, who had to reiterate it:
Nurse: Ok, now, what is the first thing that you do?
Linda:I try to rouse the baby. The baby is not responding.
Nurse: Good. Now what?
Linda:I call for someone to dial 911.
Nurse: Go ahead...
Linda: Ed! Call 911!
Ed: Why?
Linda Our baby isn't breathing!
Ed: What? That's the second time in 2 minutes. What the hell is wrong with our baby?
Oh yeah.. we are those people
-Ed
posted by Ed at 1:51 AM
4 Comments:
yeah, but we love you anyhow.
OMG! This is way too funny! I wonder if your teacher appreciated the humor.
Thanks for the laughs!
Ha!!
I only hope you'll never have to use these new found techniques on your baby and her bag.
8)
Stacie, yes, we actually said these things. And by "we" I mean me.
Portuguesa Nova: me too! And congrats on your own expected arrival! If you have a chance to view the preparation videos you should... they display acts so outrageous that even we were convinced we would be good parents (or at least better than those so depicted).
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